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In the US, and around the world, men are often told to value strength, control, and self-sufficiency, and to avoid being vulnerable, or asking for help. Men\u2019s displays of sadness, loneliness, affection, love, and friendship \u2013 rather than being recognized as authentic and necessary \u2013 are all too often interpreted as signs of weakness or a failure to be a \u201creal man.\u201d<\/p>\n
The stories that are told, and the beliefs that are held, about how men should and shouldn\u2019t behave, have serious implications for the lives of those socialized as men. Young men who believe in the most restrictive ideas about manhood \u2013 including that they shouldn\u2019t be vulnerable or ask for help \u2013 are consistently more likely to binge drink, bully and harass, to show signs of depression, and to have considered suicide.<\/p>\n
In her book Deep Secrets<\/em>, researcher Niobe Way reveals that from a young age, boys do<\/strong> recognize the importance of close friendships and connection. Drawing from hundreds of interviews with adolescent boys in the US, she finds that boys share their deepest secrets and feelings with their closest male friends<\/strong>. Yet, as they move into adolescence, boys become distrustful, lose these friendships, and feel isolated and alone.<\/p>\n What is changing as boys grow up?<\/strong> Researchers and culture writers increasingly point to how rigid masculine norms influence the way boys and men think about their friendships, and how they go about seeking emotional support and connections.<\/p>\n \u201cThe problem with that for me is \u2026 because I was raised that way, I cannot break that, like even when I come on the verge of crying, nothing happens. I just sit there and get more mad at what is going on because I can\u2019t break. It just forces [me] to go more internal and I can\u2019t have that outlet.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Focus Group Participant, Washington, DC, US (The Man Box: A Study on Being a Young Man in the US, UK, and Mexico)<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n According to The Man Box<\/em><\/a>, Equimundo\u2019s study of young men ages 18 to 30 in the US, UK, and Mexico, these pressures about self-sufficiency and never seeking help are still very common in respondents\u2019 lives. The majority of men in the US and UK reported that they\u2019d encountered the social instruction that \u201cA man who talks a lot about his worries, fears, and problems shouldn’t really get respect\u201d and that \u201cMen should figure out their personal problems on their own without asking others for help.\u201d These messages can produce a fear of appearing vulnerable, which still has a powerful influence over young men\u2019s behaviors, particularly for men in the Man Box. To recognize pain\u2014physical or emotional\u2014is to risk being told by your male friends or family that you\u2019re not a \u201creal man.\u201d<\/p>\n In line with the Man Box rule that men need to be self-sufficient, young men say they are more likely to provide emotional support to others than they are to be emotionally vulnerable or seek help themselves. When they do seek support, it is from women in their lives: their mothers, girlfriends, or wives. It is much rarer for young men to seek help from a male friend, and they almost never do so from their fathers.<\/p>\nWhat does our research say about the links between masculinities and asking for help? <\/strong><\/h3>\n
1. Rigid ideas about \u201cmanhood\u201d often characterize asking for help as a sign of weakness.<\/strong><\/h4>\n
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2.\u00a0When men do seek support, it is from the women in their lives.<\/strong><\/h4>\n
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3.\u00a0Young men are eager for spaces to talk about their feelings, and to talk about gender, power, and their relationships with other men.\u00a0<\/strong><\/h4>\n
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