This is when we break

This is when we break. More than a third of young men we surveyed said they believe that no one will ever fall in love with them, new study finds.

Dr. Gary Barker, Founder and CEO, Equimundo, explains why.

Fathers love their children. We do. It’s what gives the most meaning to our lives. Research my organization carried out across nearly 20 countries shows that being able to care for our children the way we want to makes us 1.5 times happier.

And what gives us the most stress in life? The list is long but it starts with economic anxiety. Fathers and mothers in the United States say economic uncertainty – working long hours or multiple jobs or multiple jobs and long hours – has brought us to the breaking point.

Add to that our nagging concerns about what our children are streaming, watching, playing, following. We’ve all seen Netflix’s “Adolescence” and we know the warnings about screen time. Many parents are worried about how they keep their children safe and secure in a moment of economic instability and the daily barrage of conflict and uncertainty. One father told us: “Kids look to us be to their Superman. But we struggle to protect them from everything. We’re like everyone else. None of us are Superman.”

Immigrant fathers have an even longer list of worries: getting taken seriously by those who administer the public benefits they should have access to. And getting arrested by immigration officers – even if they are in the country legally. They’re not paranoid: they’re right to be worried. One Latino father told us: “First I have to convince social workers that I’m the caregiver as a man, and now I have to be worried about getting picked up by ICE if I go to ask the services that I’m eligible for.”

Fathers across the country we interviewed for a recent national study, regardless of how they voted, said they feel little support from the government, with a few exceptions of men who have access to paid leave in states that provide it. The common complaint: The rate at which their wages were replaced is too low, the same things mothers say. Across interviews, the complaints of fathers were virtually identical to what we hear from mothers. We’re too stretched for time, find too little support at work, and feel that government benefits for caregivers are too limited.

It’s not surprising that more than 70 percent of parents, mothers and fathers, across party lines say they want paid leave, subsidized child care, and a living wage. To the politicians paying attention, having policies that allow fathers and mothers to support their children and all caregivers to do the care, are what just might unite us.

And here’s the part that left us – the researchers – anxious: Men who are economically stressed are 16 fois more likely to have considered suicide in the past two weeks. They are also more likely to find meaning in restrictive ideas about manhood, the tough guy, take-no-prisoners version that is associated with violence against others and self-harm. The men most economically stressed are also those most likely to be opposed to gender equality measures and to say they support a leader who ignores democracy and is willing to tear it all down.

The bottom line? Men are economically stressed, fathers even more so. The more stressed they are, the more they are likely to harm themselves and be ready to tear down our democracy. And what do they want? The same things mothers and women do: a fair chance at a thriving wage. Services and paid leave so they can care for their families. Hope for their children’s future.

Here’s another literally heart-wrenching part – more than a third of young men we surveyed said they believe that no one will ever fall in love with them. They feel so far away from economic stability that many tell us they don’t want children at all and don’t think they will find anyone with whom to start a family.

To the politicians who want to see our fertility rates increase: Try investing in our economic futures and economic stability. Create a safety net with a clear pathway to jobs, apprenticeships along with paid leave and subsidized care for children and the elderly.

Men don’t need to be encouraged to care for our children and others around us. As one father said: “There is no adrenaline rush like seeing my kids succeed.” What we need are the policies and working conditions to let us be the fathers and caregivers we already want to be.